Tag Archives: overdue

41 Week Bumpdate: Angry Edition

24 Feb
Um, yeah. I warned you about the self-tanning meltdown... And you probably should have seen the anger coming.

Um, yeah. I warned you guys about the self-tanning meltdown

Well, the Trifecta of Success ended up being ultimately unsuccessful in producing an end product. And actually unsuccessful in producing so much as a single labor contraction.

I ate two entire pineapples in two days.
I made like the pioneer children and walked and walked and walked and walked… and walked. And then I jogged.
I used evening primrose oil like a boss.
I even ate spicy food and tried some other tricks that are rumored to be successful in coercing babies out of their warm little aquarium homes.

But guess what. He stayed put. And I no longer have any faith in the old wives because their tales just don’t work.

This whole waiting to go into labor thing reminds me of two situations in my life:

1. 2nd grade. When my classmates lost a baby tooth, they got to stand in front of the class and tell about how it happened. With every day that passed and every child that came in with a new lost tooth, I became more and more horrified that my teeth all remained intact. I had a few wigglers, but none had taken the great plunge from their gummy home. All I wanted was to experience the magic of the tooth fairy, but my body was determined to make me the last miserable girl in the world to lose a single baby tooth. Eventually they disappeared, never to be seen again (well, not never to be seen again, because me and Jill found them all hidden in a box in my parents’ room circa 1998. Ew. I gag. But that’s a post for a different day…), but it took a lot of waiting before I was an all-permanent kinda girl.

2. Sex education, 6th grade. Having been previously warned by my mother, I knew the horrors that would begin to descend upon my body. Breasts. Hair. And the worst… menstruation (though that word wouldn’t enter my vocabulary for many more years). During sex education, one of the teachers asked my class of all girls who had started their period (I imagine this was an exercise to help these girls understand that they weren’t alone… but it had the exact opposite effect on the rest of us losers who hadn’t). The horror. I felt like the only girl without her hand in the air. And I had never been more embarrassed in my entire life (I would, however, be much more embarrassed in the future, when said period descended on a day when I was wearing khaki pants). Just like I had to wait for my permanent teeth (which were at this point covered in metal) to make their move, there was nothing I could do but wait to become a Woman.

Well.

Here I am, a little bit older and a tad bit wiser and still waiting for my body to get in sync (*nsyc. Love them.) with my mind. I know it will eventually happen, but in the meantime I feel like the elephant in the room all over again… (more literally this time around though). I guess I just didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Or the second… But one thing is for certain: this is definitely my very last bumpdate for a very long time!

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Woman with a Plan

22 Feb

After yesterday’s disappointing news at the doctor’s office I hit the self-tanner pretty hard as a form of self-therapy. Yes, I deal with stress by turning my skin orange. Don’t judge, it certainly isn’t the worst form of stress-management out there. I guess having newly (and artificially)-bronzed skin makes me feel just a tad bit more attractive, which, I firmly believe, is very important during pregnancy.

You gotta do what you gotta do to feel cute, right? After all, a giant belly certainly doesn’t do much for the self-esteem, whether it be from a human baby or a food baby.

I was trying (unsuccessfully) to explain this whole concept to Michael last night while we were out shopping for some last-minute baby-time items… He couldn’t understand why I wanted the cheap neon orange sports bra over the cheap black sports bra to wear under my hospital gown.

Luckily, JCPenney filled that particular void in my life and I walked out of the mall with this fancy little thing (okay, honesty time… pregnancy has affected my body in such a way that the word ‘little’ isn’t super accurate when describing my bras anymore) for only $14:

Cute, no?

A flash of neon under my hospital gown? Don’t mind if I do!
And yes, I’ve already thought about how awesome this
color will look against my (fake) tanned skin.

Sorry, I was just so excited about that cute thing that I couldn’t help but share.

Ps: the reason I’m getting a bra specifically for labor is because my hospital is all about immediate skin-to-skin contact. I’ve read a lot about it and apparently it has all kinds of benefits for the baby. But. Babies are covered in all kinds of nastiness when they are… freshly squeezed… and I don’t want to be wearing a bra that I’ll use ever again. I just don’t want to live in a world where it’s acceptable to wear articles of clothing that have once been covered in blood and slime and baby poop.

Moving on… I have a plan. Forget about my hesitation from yesterday, this little boy is going to be out by midnight tomorrow night. I have all of the necessary protocols in place to make it happen.

Phase 1: These little cuties. No big deal, but I’ve already eaten an entire one. It got kind of brutal toward the end… and my tongue is now covered in tiny little blisters. But hey, if it gets the job done…

Apparently pineapples contain bromelain, an enzyme that can soften the cervix.

Apparently pineapples contain bromelain, an enzyme softens the cervix.

Phase 2: I’ve been walking pretty much all day long. 4 miles, to be exact. And yes, it did take this pregnant chick all day to accomplish this feat because I broke it up into mini sessions. And now my back is killllling me. But it will all be worth it when I’m holding a little baby boy in my arms rather than my uterus at midnight tomorrow.

Phase 3: Evening Primrose Oil. Chalk full of prostaglandins, the stuff that softens the cervix. I’m allll over this stuff.

This 3-phase plan is my Trifecta of Success and will get things going so that my goal is accomplished by midnight. I have never been more determined to make something happen in my entire life, so I know it will happen (do you see how I’m relying on the power of positive thinking to produce a son and heir? If only the European monarchs had as much optimism as I do).

I shall update you when the contractions begin. And they will begin soon.

40 Week Bumpdate

18 Feb
This had better be the last bumpdate I write...

This had better be the last bumpdate I write…

Well, I’ve given the little guy an eviction notice. And considering the fact that my “bump” could be more accurately described as a boulder these days, I’m thinking he’s probably considering his options at this very moment… the clock is ticking, little boy! It’s time to make some decisions!

Things have really changed this week because I have so much more pressure on my pelvis. Walking around has actually gotten pretty painful if I stick to it for too long, not to mention that I need to pee constantly. The fact that I’ve recently been watching Parks & Recreation hasn’t helped that fact either…

Anyway, I made a deal with Michael (back when we were thinking the little guy would come early) that we could get ice cream every day I go over my due date. So yeah, I’m not terribly disappointed to go over 🙂

I’ll keep you all updated when things start moving, and in the meantime I’ll be sampling all 31 flavors at the Baskin Robbins across the street. Have a great week!