Woman with a Plan

22 Feb

After yesterday’s disappointing news at the doctor’s office I hit the self-tanner pretty hard as a form of self-therapy. Yes, I deal with stress by turning my skin orange. Don’t judge, it certainly isn’t the worst form of stress-management out there. I guess having newly (and artificially)-bronzed skin makes me feel just a tad bit more attractive, which, I firmly believe, is very important during pregnancy.

You gotta do what you gotta do to feel cute, right? After all, a giant belly certainly doesn’t do much for the self-esteem, whether it be from a human baby or a food baby.

I was trying (unsuccessfully) to explain this whole concept to Michael last night while we were out shopping for some last-minute baby-time items… He couldn’t understand why I wanted the cheap neon orange sports bra over the cheap black sports bra to wear under my hospital gown.

Luckily, JCPenney filled that particular void in my life and I walked out of the mall with this fancy little thing (okay, honesty time… pregnancy has affected my body in such a way that the word ‘little’ isn’t super accurate when describing my bras anymore) for only $14:

Cute, no?

A flash of neon under my hospital gown? Don’t mind if I do!
And yes, I’ve already thought about how awesome this
color will look against my (fake) tanned skin.

Sorry, I was just so excited about that cute thing that I couldn’t help but share.

Ps: the reason I’m getting a bra specifically for labor is because my hospital is all about immediate skin-to-skin contact. I’ve read a lot about it and apparently it has all kinds of benefits for the baby. But. Babies are covered in all kinds of nastiness when they are… freshly squeezed… and I don’t want to be wearing a bra that I’ll use ever again. I just don’t want to live in a world where it’s acceptable to wear articles of clothing that have once been covered in blood and slime andย baby poop.

Moving on… I have a plan. Forget about my hesitation from yesterday, this little boy is going to be out by midnight tomorrow night. I have all of the necessary protocols in place to make it happen.

Phase 1: These little cuties. No big deal, but I’ve already eaten an entire one. It got kind of brutal toward the end… and my tongue is now covered in tiny little blisters. But hey, if it gets the job done…

Apparently pineapples contain bromelain, an enzyme that can soften the cervix.

Apparently pineapples contain bromelain, an enzyme softens the cervix.

Phase 2: I’ve been walking pretty much all day long. 4 miles, to be exact. And yes, it did take this pregnant chick all day to accomplish this feat because I broke it up into mini sessions. And now my back is killllling me. But it will all be worth it when I’m holding a little baby boy in my arms rather than my uterus at midnight tomorrow.

Phase 3: Evening Primrose Oil. Chalk full of prostaglandins, the stuff that softens the cervix. I’m allll over this stuff.

This 3-phase plan is my Trifecta of Success and will get things going so that my goal is accomplished by midnight. I have never been more determined to make something happen in my entire life, so I know it will happen (do you see how I’m relying on the power of positive thinking to produce a son and heir? If only the European monarchs had as much optimism as I do).

I shall update you when the contractions begin. And they will beginย soon.

11 Responses to “Woman with a Plan”

  1. Roxanne Thorpe February 22, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    You are so funny and it’s so fun to read your blogs. We’ll say a prayer for you to have this baby by midnight tomorrow!

    • dani :) February 23, 2013 at 10:54 am #

      thanks roxanne ๐Ÿ™‚ i think i’m gonna need some prayers to make it happen haha.

  2. mommalougee February 22, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

    Tired of my comments yet? That’s what you get when it snows all day and keeps me inside. Um, that bra is too cute never to wear again. I somehow was naked by the time Ella squeezed out. And she totally pooped on me, but we were both in our birthday suits so it was no biggy. Might I suggest a bumpy road and some of what got you in this predicament in the first place….. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • dani :) February 23, 2013 at 10:58 am #

      nope, not tired of them at all, keep em coming ๐Ÿ™‚ ha i was going to write that in as phase 4 but i figured that i’d already disclosed information about self-tanning and my underwear, so i shouldn’t push my luck with tmi haha

  3. Lisa Price February 22, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

    I am all for you determination, however it is so nasty over here in EO I am afraid your Mom wont be able to get to Seattle this weekend if you have him!! LOL Good Luck!!! I cant wait to meet the little guy. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • dani :) February 23, 2013 at 10:59 am #

      that’s okay, i’m focusing on priority numero uno, which is getting this person OUT OF ME! i’m hoping it’s not too bad though and the roads don’t close, otherwise you might be right!

  4. Kelly February 23, 2013 at 1:07 am #

    Go Dani!!!

    • dani :) February 23, 2013 at 11:00 am #

      thanks kelly q ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. roundtoravishing February 23, 2013 at 7:51 am #

    Good luck, hope your little bundle comes and with a quickness!

    • dani :) February 23, 2013 at 11:00 am #

      thanks, me too!! i hope yours comes with a little bit more slowness ๐Ÿ™‚


  1. 41 Week Bumpdate: Angry Edition | sweating for two - February 24, 2013

    […] Um, yeah. I warned you guys about the self-tanning meltdown… […]

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